Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
