i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
