Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
