You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
