Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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