She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
