Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
