she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
