There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
