Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
