When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
