woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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