you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
