I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
