Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
