I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
