end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i used baking grease as lip gloss
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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