there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
