Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
