i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
