Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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