I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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