dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
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