True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
