I never want to see another naked old woman again.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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