I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
