i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
