Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
