I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
