I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
