Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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