Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
