Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
