She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
