you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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