Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
