Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
