I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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