Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
