can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
