people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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