i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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