sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
