I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
