I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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