I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
