i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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