She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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