Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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