Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
