You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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