Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Can you bring me the toilet please
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
